Making peace with ambitions past

Letting go of that which was, and that which may never be

I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t striving for something.

My mom used to say, “When you want something, there’s no stopping you,” and she wasn’t wrong (a quick look at my About page picture will show you the energy I brought to most things).

Over the years, ambition has been a constant traveling companion, riding shotgun alongside me, doing its best to step on the gas and steer me in the direction of my dreams.

While it’s waxed and waned over the years, especially post pandemic (more on that in a future essay), I’ve never not felt an ambitious pull toward something.

• I’ve filled notebooks with elaborate plans to bring some of these ambitions to life

• I’ve filled friends ears with eager optimism about my latest ideas, listening carefully for signs of approval or hesitancy

• I’ve kept some ambitions so close to the chest that even those who know me best don’t know the extent of their pull

• And I’ve let others go, so fleeting they were, coming in and out of my consciousness too quickly to grab hold

A small sampling includes:

become a forest firefighter * get elected mayor of my grade 6 classroom * become a teacher * be named captain of the field hockey team * work for the CBC * learn the guitar * make Top 40 Under 40 * do international work for the Red Cross * get married and have kids * go to cooking school * write a book * start my own business * become a senior VP * be a recognized public speaker * be a stay-at-home-mom * perfect my coffee making * travel

Some of these ambitions I’ve achieved, others I moved on from without consequence, while others still linger in the back of my mind, whispering to me in quiet moments, “One day, some day?” not yet willing to let me go.

To which I whisper back, “Maybe…but not today.”

I assume you too have a long list of ambitions both fulfilled and forgotten.

And I hope you take great pride in those you’ve achieved, recognizing the effort and care that went into each, no matter how big or small, how public or private.

But what about those ambitions that still remain…reminding us of the roads not (yet) travelled or the paths we didn’t take — out of choice or circumstance?

How do we make peace with dreams deferred?

Here’s what I share with clients (and remind myself of) when our old ambitions pop up out of nowhere or nag us at 4am when we’re lying there questioning if we’re using our ‘one wild and precious life’ well.

To everything there is a season

Just like in the natural world, our seasons of life change and what’s required to sustain ourselves in each one varies based on the conditions and our capacity.

In some seasons we can throw everything at our ambitions with relative ease. Our energy is high, our clarity is crystal clear and our calendar, spacious enough to make it happen. We feel in the groove and ride the waves of enthusiasm to see our ambitions through.

In other seasons however, we may find ourselves just getting through the day-to-day demands of life and work, with little extra to give. Regardless of the reasons, we find ourselves with a bucket so full that one more addition would send it all spilling out the sides.

Approaching our ambitions through the lens of the seasons offers us a reminder that life isn’t linear and that we can always circle back around when the season is right.

What season am I in right now and how might that affect my ambitions?

Double check your desire AND your ego

When I look back over my list, I can point to a number of ambitions that I have zero desire to fulfill at this stage of my life. They no longer have any emotional pull, nor do they activate any desire.

Recognizing these as simply a reflection of their time — the life stage and season I was then in — helps me let them go and no longer hold them up as something I didn’t achieve or work hard enough to make happen.

In same order, there are ambitions I’ve had over the years that aren’t reflective of my true desires, but rather my ego wanting the ‘cookies’ that would come from achieving them.

And while this is to be expected in a culture that rewards external measures of success, it’s often a hollow chase and empty end when we go after ambitions driven by our ego, not our instincts.

What ambitions can I set down?

Check your assumptions

A client recently shared with me that she sometimes looks back on her 20s and wonders what would have happened had she more actively pursued different ambitions.

She asks, “Where would I be now? What might my life look like?”

I answer: “It’s anyone’s best guess.”

Playing the shoulda-woulda-coulda game isn’t particularly productive because it assumes that different choices would have inevitably led to our desired outcomes.

But that’s never a given.

There are a million different decisions I could have made in favour of an alternate ambition yet there’s absolutely no telling how I’d feel about it now or how ‘successful’ I’d be had I chosen that different path.

Giving yourself the grace to say, “I made the best choices I could make given what I knew, what I had access to and where my heart was at the time,” can help you let go of the road not travelled.

Where might I be making assumptions about how my past ambitions might have played out?

Re-imagine your ambitions

[a.k.a. It’s probably not too late if you get creative]

Who made the rule that your ambition has to look and sound the same as it did when you were 15 or 25 or 35 or 45?

If you still feel the pull toward an old ambition, re-imagine what it could look like in your life now.

While it’s too late for a pro soccer or field hockey career thanks to an ACL injury (and frankly, not being good enough to play at that level) that doesn’t mean I couldn’t join an over 40 league and get back to the games I loved when I was young.

(Note: this had me look up a local women’s field hockey club only to find my high school coach still playing. It’s never too late, friends).

What ambitions can I re-imagine to fit my life today?

Define a new future

Sometimes the window has closed and there’s no going back.

That thing you once wanted is now irrevocably off the table, and there’s nothing you can do to change it.

Depending on how badly you wanted it, this can be a hard pill to swallow and may require processing a level of grief for a future you’d hoped to have.

We will all leave this earth with unresolved ambitions and bucket list items not yet complete.

But if we let our could have beens take up too much space, we block out opportunities for new ambitions and opportunities to wiggle their way in.

Whatever age you’re at, whatever you wanted to achieve but didn’t, whatever capacity you currently have access to, you can still set new ambitions for the future.

You may have to temper them to your abilities, resources, desires and life circumstances, but you can still go go after them.

What ambitions call to me right now?

This Substack is the first thing I’ve felt genuinely ambitious about in a long while, largely because I decided to follow my enthusiasm rather than the rules.

And as I look back on that long list of things I hoped to do or become, I can be generous with myself, rather than harsh.

In that list I see the evolution of a person — a kid who wanted to be a forest firefighter all the way to a woman at 46 who wants to be a writer (again).

I can choose to keep score — giving myself gold stars for ambitions complete and verbal lashings for those I let slip by — or I can choose to see that my future is still unfolding and ambition doesn’t have a deadline.

I’m choosing the latter.

You?

*I’d love to hear your thoughts - including any ambitions you’re ready to let go of, or reignite in new ways. Join me in the comments section. 😊