Dear Steph: How do I stop seeking everyone's approval?
A reader asks for support to curb their approval-seeking ways.
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Past issues include:
π Dear Steph:
Despite being in a leadership role at work, I often find myself seeking validation from others before I move forward.
Iβll be in a meeting β even one Iβm leading β and I notice my tendency to look for signs of affirmation from the attendees. Iβm secretly wondering, βDo you agree? Is this approach ok?β
When it comes to project work, Iβm usually fairly confident initially, riding the excitement that comes with something new I suppose, but then once weβre in the weeds, I start to second guess myself. As soon as that kicks in, I find myself reaching out to others regularly β looking for validation, acknowledgement or something to tell me Iβm doing it right.
Donβt even get me started when thereβs a big decision on the tableβ¦
The irony is that in my more lucid moments, I know I have years of experience and expertise to draw on. Iβve been doing this work for decades and have had many successes, so I canβt quite figure out why I seem to forget that.
Iβm a very collaborative person and so I value having other voices contribute to the work, but how do I keep their voices from drowning out my own?
I want to feel more confident in myself and rely less on getting everyone elseβs confirmation of my value, but Iβm not quite sure where to start.
Any ideas?
Signed,
Tired of seeking approval
Dear Tired of Seeking Approval,
Let me start by offering you some validation for having the courage to write in and share this truth (you see what I did there, right?).
Youβre naming something that most of us struggle with, but donβt acknowledge out loud. And in so doing, youβll help others who are frustrated at their tendency to seek gold stars.
Because who among us hasn't found themselves anxiously scanning the room for nods of approval or scrambling for reassurance when we're knee-deep in uncertainty?
In the crucible of a meeting room, even one where you hold the reins, you find yourself subtly seeking nods of agreement, glimmers of approval, or perhaps just a fleeting glance that says, "Yes, you're on the right track."
It's as if the chorus of voices around you becomes the barometer of your own worth and competence.
You're a collaborative spirit by nature, which means you probably take extra care to ensure everyoneβs voices are heard, and that you donβt run the show at the exclusion of others. This is a positive! It probably makes you an empathetic and people-first leader.
But amidst the chorus of input, how do you prevent your own voice from fading into the background?
It's a conundrum many face β the delicate balance between embracing collaboration and preserving the integrity of one's own perspective. How do you maintain confidence in your own judgment without constantly seeking external validation? Where do you find the equilibrium between soliciting feedback and trusting your instincts?
Your question strikes a chord because, let's face it, we've all been there. Whether it's nervously waiting for the thumbs-up on a project pitch or quietly praying for a round of applause after a presentation, seeking validation is as much a part of our professional lives as coffee breaks and Monday morning meetings.
So, before we dive into the nitty-gritty, just know that you're not alone in this quest for confidence and self-assurance. In fact, you're in good company with countless others who are navigating the murky waters of self-doubt and seeking validation in a world that often feels like one big performance review.
How was dinner? No really, was it ok?
I love to cook.
I especially love to cook when weβre having company over and I can take more creative license than any given Tuesday in between soccer runs.
In anticipation, Iβll usually start pulling out a few beloved cookbooks (Barefoot Contessa of course!) and scanning my Notion recipe folder for ideas and inspiration.
As I attempt to come up with the βbestβ meal I can think of β one that will impress, one thatβs actually doable, and one everyone, including my kids, will eat β I notice how often I pull my husband in to my thinking process.
βWhat do you think about Inaβs roast chicken served over Greek lemon potatoes, or is that too basic?β
βOr wait, maybe I should make a fish tacos, coleslaw, with a Tres Leches cake for dessert?β
βNo, how about that lemon, pancetta pasta with the thyme breadcrumbs? Everyone loves pasta. And cheesecake!β
In between each idea Gord will look up from whatever heβs doing and says, βYep, sounds great!β
In fairness, heβs not the main cook around here and he likes just about everything I put in front of him.
And yet, I always ask for his opinion.
Or more specifically, his validation. Because I donβt really want his opinion β I want him to validate mine.
And sometimes I find myself doing it again once everyoneβs gone home.
Despite the appreciation I usually receive for my food, I often turn to him as I plunk down into a chair, and say a version of, βWas the food ok?β
Gord will, as he always does, say something along the lines of, βThe food was fantastic, thanks honey!β
Sometimes, if heβs a bit tired, heβll look at me with the βlookβ and say, βYou know the food was great β everyone told you so.β
And I sigh, a little bit embarrassed, because I know heβs right.
I knew the food was good. Iβve been cooking long enough to know when something works and something doesnβt. Iβm generally confident about my culinary chops.
But I ask anyway.
Thereβs water leaking everywhere
Have you ever brought one of those plants home from the garden store in the plastic green containers? Iβm sure you have.
You go to water your plant, but you forget that you havenβt moved it from the plastic container into a proper container and all of a sudden, water (and soil) start leaking out the bottom everywhere.
Constantly seeking acknowledgement, insights and reassurance from others can be a lot like filling a store-bought, plastic plant container with water.
A little bit of the water stays in, but a lot of it ends up on your kitchen counter.
And until you properly plant it, you have to keep adding water again and again to ensure the plant doesnβt dry out.
Water, leak, repeat.
Pitfalls of relying on other peopleβs cookies
Thereβs nothing inherently wrong with seeking other peopleβs approval. We all do it at times (go walk into any middle school for confirmation).
Weβre a social species, and despite what our politics might suggest, we need each other to survive. Itβs natural, and often beneficial, to seek out other voices and viewpoints to add depth, diversity and nuance to our work.
It's healthy to get varied perspectives and to run your thoughts by someone else before you make changes or a big decision. Collaboration and feedback are essential components of growth and success.
And sometimes itβs just nice to know that others think weβre doing well!
Where it gets sticky is when we tune out our own voice and viewpoint in favour of someone elseβs.
It can be a slippery slope between seeking constructive input to make something better, and relying too heavily on others to thumbs up your every move.
Because just like over-watering a plant can lead to a mess on the kitchen counter, constantly seeking validation from others can result in a similar overflow of uncertainty and doubt.
It's as if we're pouring our self-worth into a leaky container, hoping to fill it with validation, but finding that much of it spills out, leaving us feeling insecure and depleted.
When we stop trusting ourselves, and instead seek assurance and confirmation from others before we move forward, weβre risking a number of things, including: