The Discomfort Dichotomy

Ever felt torn between pushing yourself to grow and staying in your comfort zone? Dive into the discomfort dichotomy and discover how embracing the right kind of discomfort can propel you forward.

Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn't it? If you're comfortable while you're doing it, you're probably doing it wrong.

~Ted Lasso

One of the most profoundly challenging parts of parenting is holding the tension between wanting to keep your kids safe (physically, but also emotionally, mentally and socially) and wanting them to take on challenges to help build confidence and resilience.

I spend a lot of time with my two teens helping them navigate scary, uncomfortable situations (to them). As you can imagine given their ages, they are now highly conscious of themselves, of others and how they are perceived by others.

This hyper-awareness factors into every single opportunity or challenge they’re presented with, and if we aren’t careful, can over-influence their decision-making skills and lead them to choose the safe, less-conspicuous path over the one that offers opportunity and a healthy (manageable) dose of risk.

And while this challenge of choosing safe over scary is certainly heightened for my middle-schoolers, I know that as adults we’re far from immune. Let’s talk about how it shows up for us.

There are two ways we can experience discomfort in our lives, our work and our leadership.

We experience discomfort when we’re pushing (or about to push) ourselves outside our comfort zone.

We aren’t sure if we’ll succeed, failure seems a very real possibility, and we’re doing things we haven’t done before.

This kind of discomfort feels awkward and messy, like we’re little kids learning to ride a bike for the first time. We often feel self-conscious and like everyone’s eyes are on us waiting for us to make a mistake.

And we often wrestle with whether to proceed because the discomfort is so loud and confusing.

My son recently went back to playing soccer after a four year break. He was nervous, apprehensive and on the cusp of backing out numerous times. However, his desire to play finally overrode his fear of looking silly or playing badly, and he signed up.

The first few weeks of the season were painful — he was out of practice amongst a team who had been playing regularly. He wasn’t sure where to be or what position he even wanted to play. But he stuck with it, and over the course of the season, he improved exponentially and managed to get four goals.

Had he misinterpreted this form of discomfort as a signal he shouldn’t play, then he would have lost out on the joy of returning to a sport he loves and the formation of new friendships.

Other forms of discomfort that are really stretch opportunities: when we’re interviewing for a new job or a promotion, when we put our ideas out into the world, when we launch something new, when we’re asking for anything (the sale, support, a favour etc).

It feels scary when we’re in this place of discomfort because we feel vulnerable knowing that we can’t entirely control the outcome. We may also inadvertently believe that because it feels scary and hard, we must be on the wrong path.

And this kind of discomfort can also feel exhilarating as we challenge ourselves and open up doors to something bigger and better.

We also experience discomfort when we’re out of alignment with the person we want to be.

In this scenario, we aren't taking action, we’re stuck in fear, and we’re operating outside our values and what we say is important to us.

This kind of discomfort feels frustrating and disheartening because we know we’re capable of more and yet we’re holding ourselves back from actively pursuing it, despite knowing it would offer us greater fulfillment and opportunity.

What we say we want isn’t reflected in our actions and the dissonance from this creates added stress.

I feel this every time I have a prolonged lapse in my writing.

If weeks go by and I’ve barely written a word, the discomfort creeps in and I do not enjoy the way I feel.

And while I’m much faster than I used to be at recognizing it for what it is — good old fashioned fear (of failure, of rejection, of looking stupid, of saying the wrong thing etc) — there’s usually a period of time where I stay stuck in stasis, *pretending* that my inaction is purposeful.

About 99% of the time, it’s not. I can couch it as ‘wanting to get clear’ or ‘needing more time to think it through’ but really, I’m just scared.

That’s ok — we all get scared at times — but it’s not ok when it keeps me from doing the thing I say matters to me, for too long.

This discomfort isn’t worth the cost because it’s out of integrity with the person I say I want to be.

Other forms of discomfort that are highlighting a misalignment: avoiding hard conversations that would unstick a situation, spending more time planning than practicing, counting ourselves out before we even begin (of the promotion, the opportunity, the ask), distracting ourselves with low-level tasks to appear busy.

It feels really dissatisfying when we’re in this place of discomfort because we intuitively know it’s not what we really want, nor what’s best for us.

And yet, it can feel hard to get out of and if our confidence is shaky, it can feel almost impossible.

The truth about both kinds of discomfort.

Both kinds of discomfort make us feel vulnerable and scared.

Both kinds of discomfort make us doubt and question ourselves (hello imposter).

Both kinds of discomfort can feel never-ending and terribly awkward.

But the difference between the two is that one kind of discomfort serves us and creates the conditions for growth, while the other holds us back and limits our own potential.

Our job is to figure out the difference.

This is important because I see a lot of folks hold back, hide out and sabotage themselves to avoid the discomfort of possibly looking stupid, being wrong or failing publicly. I have done it myself too many times to count.

We think we’re avoiding discomfort and staying safe, but really, we’re just trading one kind of discomfort for another.

Because what feels more uncomfortable than actively getting in our own way and holding ourselves back from what we actually most desire?

So don’t ever believe that the “safe” path is safer.¹

It’s not, and the impact is far more lasting and profound than the impact of stretching ourselves into new territory.

If you’re feeling a sense of prolonged discomfort, your next step is to ask yourself which type you’re experiencing.

Start by asking yourself:

Does this feel uncomfortable because I’m about to play bigger and stretch myself in ways that feel scary, but also exciting?

If you answer yes, keep going. You’re experiencing a form of discomfort associated with growth. The only way out is through, and the discomfort will ease over time.

Or you can ask yourself:

Does this feel uncomfortable because I’m avoiding something or someone, or behaving in ways that are outside of my values and what I say matters to me?

If you answer yes, it’s time for a shift. You’re experiencing a form of discomfort associated with stagnancy. Offer yourself compassion, and then get about finding a new way forward through purposeful action, values realignment, support and betting on yourself.

No one gets through this life without discomfort — of both varieties. It’s the cost of being human, and attaching meaning to our world.

But we can actively work to limit how often that discomfort disconnects us from what matters most, all while leaning into the discomfort that comes when we’re becoming the bravest versions of ourselves.

Keep going.

1. Caveat: obviously, I'm not talking about anything that would actually jeopardize your health, well-being or physical/emotional safety.