The Power of a Pause

Creating space between the situation and the response is a tool every leader should leverage.

Lately in coaching sessions, I’ve found myself offering the same guidance again and again.

I tell people — the high performing, go-get-em, to-do’s-for-miles kind of people — to pause.

Specifically to create intentional, deliberate pauses throughout their days that are designed to help them take a beat before they react or respond.

I’m not asking them to light a candle or roll out their yoga mat or put on a meditation app, I just want them to create space between what (we believe*) Viktor Frankl called the stimulus and the response.

*This quote is often attributed to Viktor Frankl but the reality is a bit more involved.

I suggest a pause to clients whose plates are so full that yet another request from an employee sends them into frustration and borderline resentment.

I suggest a pause to my husband who’s dealing with a highly contentious work situation where everyone’s fuses are short and relationships are strained.

I suggest a pause to clients who are overwhelmed by the vitriol, hurt and suffering found on any social media app (these days specifically).

I suggest a pause to myself when presented with an opportunity to join a Board of Directors for a group that’s navigating with a growth spike and major changes.

And I suggest a pause to my kid who gets all up in her head and overly worried the night before a test.

“When in doubt,” I hear myself saying, “take a moment and just pause.”

This sounds so basic, I know.

I often watch as clients look at me when I make this suggestion: they smile knowingly, nod their heads and say a version of, “Yes, thanks for the reminder.”

I can’t but wonder if inside they’re saying, “Seriously? That’s all you’ve got? Gee, thanks.”

But that’s the thing about the powerful practices that make our lives better: they are often deceptively simple.

So simple in fact, that we generally take them for granted and need countless reminders to do them.

Because what’s more basic than a pause?

Not much.

And yet I’ve seen again and again how a simple pause can leave just enough wiggle room to keep a situation from going from bad to worse, or keep a person from saying yes when they really mean no, or offer a moment to ask yourself, “What’s actually true here?” before you respond out of fear, anger or a lack of information.

A pause is the buffer between the world and how you respond to it.

A pause is powerful for three main reasons:

1. It doesn’t ask us to avoid, defer or deflect something or someone.

   
   It’s not suggesting that we don’t deal with what’s in front of us or keep people waiting indefinitely. And it doesn’t relinquish us from responsibility.
   
   It simply offers us a moment or two to catch our breath, zoom out beyond the here-and-now and thoughtfully consider how we want to proceed or what is most needed.
   

2. No matter the situation — high stakes, low stakes, contentious or celebratory — we all have the time and ability to create pauses when needed (save for the very, very rare situation like a grizzly bear about to maul you).
   
   Even 30 seconds can be enough to shift how you react or respond.
   

3. It offers us a free, accessible way to regulate ourselves, to tune into our values, and to respond from a more grounded place.
   
   And it gives us a moment to ask ourselves questions that might incite more thoughtful answers than the ones that come in reaction to a person or situation.

So what does pausing look like in practice?

Here are a few common-ish scenarios where a pause can make all the difference. Take the principles, insert your specifics and give them a try.

Scenario #1: The Ask

Situation — An email lands in your inbox with an ask. It falls outside your normal day-to-day responsibilities. It might be an opportunity to participate in something new, it might be an ask to lead a project or committee, or it might be an ask to offer support or help to a group or person.

Reaction — You’re likely to have one of two reactions. Either you’re excited by the prospect, leading you to want to write back immediately and say, “I’m in!”, or you’re frustrated that something else has dropped on your plate, again, leading you to want to write back immediately with a “Seriously? Are you for real?”

Pause — You acknowledge your immediate internal reaction but you don’t act from it. You take a breath, go for a walk around the block or the office, and check in with yourself beyond that first moment when you read the note.

Before you respond, you ask yourself the following questions:

• Would I be saying yes out of true interest and capacity, or out of fear of saying no?

• Do I have the capacity to follow this through?

• In three weeks (or months) will I still feel good about saying yes?

• Am I the right person for this ask?

• Is this the right season for me?

Your answers will show you the way. Trust them.

And if they’re not clear yet, give yourself the gift of a 24-hour pause.

“Thanks so much for thinking of me. I’d like to take some time to consider. I’ll get back to you in 24 hours with my initial thoughts.

This is now my go-to approach whenever I’m asked to do something I wouldn’t normally take on. It’s saved me from many, “WHY ON EARTH DID I SAY YES TO THIS?!” moments.

NOTE: want more scripts to help you communicate with confidence?

Scenario #2: The Feedback

Situation — You’re in a meeting and someone around the table (virtual or otherwise), makes a pointed comment that you can’t help but assume was directed at you. You’re not totally sure if it’s meant to be helpful (with crappy delivery) or a purposeful call-out. It’s a person you know to be fairly blunt and direct, but you were sure they were mostly on board so their comments come as a surprise.

Reaction — You feel your stomach drop first. Ouch. Your breathing quickens and you can feel your face flush as you try to take in their comments. “WTH?” you think. “Who does this person think they are? That was really uncalled for.” Everything in your being wants you to sit up and offer back a few choice words of your own.

Pause — Instead, you sit up and take a deep breath (literally).

You know that you don’t have the words to keep things from escalating, so you draw on one of the best pause techniques in the books: curiosity.

You buy yourself time to emotionally regulate by getting curious rather than judgmental, and ask them, “Thanks for sharing this with me. You sound frustrated at the way things have been going. Can you share more specifically as to what’s not working and how we might be able to improve?”

This takes tremendous courage and patience, but it also offers you perspective, information and a moment to regroup before you respond. And it keeps you out of making assumptions when tensions run high.

Note: pausing is a great tool in all forms of feedback delivery, whether you’re receiving it or delivering it.

Scenario #3: The Decision

Situation — You’ve got two job opportunities on the table. Both come with pros and cons, and you’re seriously considering both as viable options for your next career step. But you’re not sure which one to actively pursue or to hope for. You find yourself going back and forth, again and again, as you try to figure out what to do next.

Reaction — The more you think about it, the more unclear you feel and the more frustrated you become. The stakes feel so high and you want to get it right. And you feel like you have to decide RIGHT now so that you can move forward with a clear plan. You’re losing sleep as you weigh the decision in front of you. It’s causing undue stress that you really don’t have time for.

Pause — As counterintuitive as it may feel, this is a perfect time to pause.

Your adrenaline is likely in overdrive and you’re losing perspective about how to proceed. This happens to the best of us when we feel that a lot is on the line. And it can keep us from seeing the situation clearly, or from giving ourselves the space to get clear on what matters most.

A pause here looks like you taking a breath, doing a reality check on when you *actually* need to decide by (often we create false urgency when we’re stressed), and then giving yourself permission to pause and regroup.

Quickly you realize that no answer is required today, and there are still multiple decision points ahead before you have to make the BIG decision (you haven’t even been called for an interview with either yet!).

As you pause, here are a few questions you can ask yourself to inform your decision:

• What is the next immediate decision I need to make and when do I need to make it by?

• Do I have the information I need to properly make this decision? If not, where can I get more information to support me?

• Am I in an either-or decision point here, or is there opportunity for a both-and approach instead?

• What season am I in and how will that inform my decision-making right now (not what I might have decided historically)?

• What else can I draw on to support my decision-making?

• What do I want? (don’t forget to ask this one!!)

Often decisions feel urgent, when in fact, there’s room to pause and take a beat before you give your final yes or no (or something in between).

Give yourself the space to make the most informed, aligned and clear decision you can. Most things don’t require an immediate answer, even if at first they may feel like it.

In our fast-paced culture filled with hot takes, quick responses and endless requests for our attention, it’s easy to forget that we have the option to slow things down before we react.

That instead of compromising the outcomes because we respond hastily — either out of habit, fear or people-pleasing — we actually increase our changes of better results when we pause long enough to hear our own thoughts and consider more than what’s right in front of us, at the moment its presented.

And all it takes is to insert a pause where we’d normally insert a response.

It’ll take practice and may feel uncomfortable at first, but before long, you’ll be wondering why you didn’t try it sooner.

It’s a powerful, accessible leadership tool for any situation.

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