When you can no longer commit to that commitment you made

As new year commitments ramp up, here's your go-to plan to extricate yourself (as needed) with grace. Plus, a bonus script you can swipe.

What was once doable, may no longer be.

Let’s talk about what to do when you can’t (or simply don’t want to) follow through on a commitment you previously made.¹

Because we’ve all been there, perhaps many times over, stuck in the tension of wanting to quit but not wanting to be seen as a quitter.

How do you handle a shift in your capacity or desire, when you’ve already said yes and it feels incredibly hard and awkward to now say no?

Learning how to step out of a commitment with grace is possible, and will save you begrudgingly trudging along, giving less than your best until the end.

Let’s start with the obvious…

As leaders, the number of requests we get are practically endless.

They come every day. From everyone.

And most of us, in our desire (and default) of being helpful, say yes to as many requests as we can, not always considering how we’ll feel when the time comes to fulfil on said commitments. ²

“Can you join this working group? We need someone with your experience.”

“Yes, of course! When’s the next meeting?”

“Are you able to join this board? We lost a member and we’d love to have you.”

“Sure, sounds like you’re doing interesting work. Sign me up.”

“We still need parents to volunteer for next week’s Casino night. Are you free?”

“I’ll make it work. What time is my shift?”

You get me here. I KNOW you get me.

This probably feels like a version of your life, as much as it does mine.

Our propensity to say yes and our reluctance to let anyone down can be both a gift and a burden. Our desire to be of service, our natural curiosity and our ambitious ways can bring tremendous value to the projects we touch, while also simultaneously compromising our personal well-being and the overall quality of our work.

We’ve all said yes when we really mean no.

But what about those yeses we said when we thought we could, and now we realize we can no longer?

Because sometimes we simply cannot follow something through all the way to completion, whether it be a project, board term, volunteer commitment or a personal agreement we’ve made to someone else.

This is a hard pill to swallow when we place a high value on integrity.

We don’t want to be that person who backs out.

We don’t want to sully our reputation by seeming flaky or uncommitted.

We don’t want to leave people high-and-dry if we quit.

And we don’t want to give up on the work itself.

But the seasons of our lives change.

So often we say yes in one season, when our capacity is plenty and our enthusiasm is high. We’re keen to be involved and happy to help, or at the very least we have the time capacity to do the work even if it’s not our first choice.

And then the season changes.

Our regular workload picks up. Our kids or parents need us more than normal. Our energy levels are low or we’re bumping up against burnout. Or a big opportunity (or challenge) unexpectedly presents itself and we now have to navigate new realities we couldn’t have planned for.

This happens to all of us. We’re human and life happens. We cannot anticipate every change — in situation, energy or desire.

When the seasons change, and with it our capacity, it’s important that we pay attention.

Too often, we just push through because we believe it’s the only option, leaving us crawling our way to the finish line — depleted, resentful and hardly of service to anyone or anything else.

Instead, notice those internal nudges asking you to look at what’s on your plate and what you can take off of it. Chances are good, something’s gotta give.

But before you start the process of stepping back or renegotiating your terms, take a few moments to get clear on your true reality and motivations for making any unplanned changes.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Is my change of heart reflective of my reality or some underlying fears or frustrations (i.e. are the demands on my time impacting my emotions in a way that’s leaving me feeling resentful my commitments, and that’s my motivation for stepping back?).

2. Are my capacity issues short term or ongoing (will this resolve itself fully, or is there no end in sight?).

3. Is the quality of my contribution being compromised by me continuing even when I don’t have the capacity?

4. What might this cost the project / committee / board / relationship if I stay on when I can’t give fully.

5. What is it costing ME by staying on when I can’t give of myself fully?

Assuming your answers conclude that it’s in nobody’s best interest for you to stay involved, your next step is to extricate yourself from the commitment as gracefully and thoughtfully as you can.

I know you’re worried about how to tell someone you can no longer help the way you once could. I know it feels sticky and icky to say, “I would, but I can’t” when you’ve already said, “Yes, sign me up.” But it’s ok and most people will understand if you’re clear and thoughtful in how you exit.

What does matter is how you communicate these changes, and what you do after letting everyone know.

Your 5-point checklist to change a commitment

1. Get clear. Are you stepping back entirely or partially? Just for a period of time or permanently? Will you help transition or is your exit immediate? Will you stay on in an advisory role vs a doer role? Know your answers to these before you have any conversations. This will decrease nebulousness, mismatched expectations or fuzzy boundaries. Be really careful with what’s true for you and don’t let guilt dictate the terms. Expectation management is the name of the game here.

2. The sooner, the better. If you know it’s time to go, don’t prolong it in hopes that you can fade your way out or put off a hard conversation. This is a disservice to you and the commitment you made. It keeps things in limbo, increases your tendency to get resentful, and creates fuzzy lines. Rip off the band-aid so everyone can move on and move forward.

3. Acknowledge, apologize (if needed) but don’t over-justify: When you step away from a commitment you’ve made, it will have an impact. It might be modest or significant. It might put more work on others or slow down the project. This is what makes these conversations so hard. The key here is to acknowledge the impact your leaving has, apologize for any inconveniences or disruptions this will likely cause and communicate when and how you’ll transition out. But you do not need to over-explain or over-apologize (unless you’ve directly caused harm).

4. Close any open loops. To the best of your ability, quickly close any open loops that you have related to the commitment. Pass off work, passwords, contacts and next steps to the folks who’ll be continuing. Don’t make them chase you once you’ve left.

5. Walk away. Unless you’re staying involved in a reduced capacity or at an advisory level, walk away and let the existing/new people take the lead. Don’t cause confusion by lingering on in the background. And give yourself the gift of the exit.

Here’s a quick script template (get all 80+ here if you’d like) to help you. While this is designed for email, I generally encourage you to speak face-to-face or over phone/Zoom vs email first.

note: this assumes you’ve got a good relationship with the other players, and your desire to leave isn’t due to toxicity or abuse. In that case, get out as quickly as you can.

Hi _____,

I’m writing today to let you know that I have to step back from ________ (insert: project/committee/board etc.), effective _______(time frame).

My personal/professional life has changed significantly since first taking on this ____________ (insert: project/committee/board etc.), and I can no longer give it the time, care and attention it deserves. I apologize for this change, and please know that when I said yes, I did so wholeheartedly and with full intention to give this my all.

Given these unexpected changes, I don’t think that’s fair to the great work you’re all doing if I were to compromise it due to my reduced capacity.

I’m happy to stay on for an additional ______ (time frame) to help you _________ (find someone new / wrap up some parts etc). And I’ll be working now to finish up the parts on my plate so that you’ve got all you need from me to move forward.

I’ll be cheering the you / the team on from the sidelines, and I want to thank you for the opportunity to be involved up until now.

If you have any questions, please let me know.

Thanks,
~your name

Most importantly, please remember this..

It’s ok to step back when you need to.

Of course, we aim to only say yes to things we can see to completion, but sometimes we just can’t know (oh to have a crystal ball…).

And when the seasons change, we have to adapt and acknowledge that it may change how we can show up.

People might be disappointed; perhaps even angry. But most people will give a whole lot of grace if we’re honest, upfront and when we take care of them in the process.

And sticking around just to fulfill the commitment even when our heart, head or effort is no longer in it is never the leaderful choice.

Be brave, be kind and be clear.

Keep going,

Steph

p.s. please consider sharing this with someone who might enjoy or benefit. Thank you!

If you enjoyed this piece, you might also like:

The sunk cost of our ambitions

The Power of a Pause

Will it be worth it?

1. This essay originally appeared as a Leadership Letter in early 2023. I’ve republished here (with small edits) to support you at the start of a new year (as the commitments start to ramp up).

2. I highly recommend employing the ‘Power of the Pause’ to help you say yes, less.