Just because you haven't, doesn't mean you can't

A summer camp story to remind you that any day is a good day to be brave, even if you haven't mustered up the courage...yet.

You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.
In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.

~ Maya Angelou

My soon-to-be-14 year old daughter is away this week at summer camp.

This wouldn’t be particularly noteworthy — lots of kids go to sleepover camp each summer — except that my kid has never even had a sleepover before, let alone a 5-day camp.

Unfortunately she takes after her mother, who used to get incredibly homesick at sleepovers. I distinctly remember tip-toeing into the hallway of a friend’s house to call my mom at 3 am and ask her to come and get me (a block away). And I remember being so homesick at a summer camp that I had to sleep in the main room with all the camp counsellors. Sigh.

What can I say? She comes by it honestly. 🤷‍♀️

So when she approached us back in March about attending this camp, I was one-part surprised, one-part excited and one-part hesitant. But she was adamant that despite her fears, she wanted to go for it.

And so we registered her, along with her bestie, with an understanding from her that this wasn’t a “pick up in the middle of the night” kinda camp.

My kid on the right, trying to keep her nerves in check as we say goodbye.

And now here we are, with less than 8 hours to go until pick-up time, and I haven’t heard a word from the camp (or her) since we watched her lug her suitcase away on Sunday night.

And although it’s been somewhat agonizing have zero contact for this long — we’ve never had this kind of a break from each other that at least screens couldn’t help manage (this is a phone-free camp) — I am over-the-moon thrilled that she did it.

(now I’m just hoping-beyond-hope that she had a great time too)

Just because you haven’t, doesn’t mean you can’t

When I told friends and family that my kid was heading to summer camp for a week, the reactions were unsurprisingly surprised.

“Oooh, really? I thought she’d never had a sleepover before.”

“Oh wow, good for her. Hopefully you don’t have to go get her in the middle of the night.”

“Good on her! I’m surprised she signed up but I hope she has a good time.”

“That’s awesome that’s she’s taking such a big, brave leap. Hopefully she comes back with a renewed confidence.”

And while I understood everyone’s reaction, there was a protective mama bear part of me that kept saying to myself…

“Just because she hasn’t yet, doesn’t mean she can’t.”

There’s no question that it was a bit of a gamble. I didn’t know how she’d fare or whether I would get a late night call from the camp asking me to pick her up.

But what I did know for sure was that she deserved a chance to try.

You might assume this story only applies to a 14-year-old girl who skews anxious about new experiences and who missed out on some major moments during Covid at a pretty pivotal age developmentally.

But this isn’t only the emotional terrain of teenagers.

I see this in my work with leaders of all levels (yes, those people you naturally assume have it all together.)

In fact, as we age and mature, it can be even harder to take on new challenges that put us back in beginner-mode where we aren’t as sure and confident.

We tell ourselves that people expect expertise and experience, and we worry about how we’ll look if we mess it all up. We question why we haven’t done the thing already, and quietly wonder if we’ve missed our window.

The discomfort of pushing our own growth edges is a big ask — whether you’re 4, 14 or 44.

But it’s the only way we grow.

Setting ourselves up for success

We can’t control a lot of what happens to us.

Uncertainty is baked into this game of life, and despite our best efforts, learning how to navigate hard things comes with the territory.

And the second we endeavour to do anything that requires bravery and the possibility of failure (however we define it), then fear is bound to be with arm’s reach, reminding us of all that could go wrong.

Fear can be a bit of an asshole.

But that doesn’t mean we’re not without agency.

Whether we’re about to jump into a new industry or ask for a promotion or present a strategy to the senior leadership team or pitch a big fish client or fire an under-performing staff member or get up on stage to speak, we have choice in how we ready ourselves for what’s ahead.

And with this preparation, we can often move from “I’m not sure I should go for this" to “I’d like to try, regardless of how it all turns out.”

Back to camp.

Leading up to her departure day, we spent a lot of time working to get her as prepared as possible for what was to come, while also acknowledging that she couldn’t control or plan for everything.

No part of it was linear. She jumped back and forth from feeling excited and confident, to scared and uncertain.

But we kept going, working with one guiding principle as our main focus:

That her excitement and desire to have this camp experience was bigger and more important to her than her fear of what might go wrong.

Here are the three main areas we focused on —

(apply liberally in your own life…this isn’t camp specific)

1. MANAGE THE RISKS —

My kid is a worrier by nature, so our first course of action was to help her feel like she had agency and a suite of tools and strategies to handle what came her way (to the best of her ability).

We walked through her worst fears, and then brainstormed ways she’d handle them if they came true. We got super specific about what strategies she’d use, including who she could reach out to for support if things got really tough for her.

She left for camp having already voiced her worries and with some tricks up her sleeve should she find herself stressed or scared.

Did it alleviate all her fears? No.

But did it give her a sense of control knowing she’d anticipated a few of her worst-case scenarios and made a plan for how she’d handle them? Absolutely.

Your Takeaway: while it’s not particularly fruitful to dwell on what might go wrong, understanding what tools you’ll use, what strategies you’ll employ and how you’ll handle a worst-case scenario outcome can go a long way to helping you feel like you can handle the tough stuff.

It’s not a show of weakness to fill your toolbox with supports (people, resources, reminders) — it’s just smart planning. As a former Red Cross PR spokesperson — including in times of disasters — I can assure you that being prepared for what might happen brings an increase in confidence and a decrease in stress.

2. PLAN FOR SUCCESS —

When a client (or my kid) is deep in “What if?” mode, highlighting all the things that could go wrong, I love to flip it around.

Them: “What if I can’t handle it and everyone thinks I’m an idiot for even trying?”
Me: “What if you handle it with grace and confidence, and people recognize your value?”

Them: “What if I give it my all and it flops?”
Me: “What if you give it your all and it flourishes?”

Them: “What if I made the wrong decision?”
Me: “What if you made the right one?”

To be human is to assume the worst, not the best — our negativity bias in action.

When we talked through all her camp scenarios to prepare her for what might be ahead, it was really important to me that some of that time was spent considering all that might go right at camp, and what positives she could likely walk away with.

We talked about the pros, the opportunities, the fun that would likely be ahead of her if she stayed open to it all. We talked about how she wanted to feel throughout camp, and how she could show up to help her feel that way.

And then we set two goals for her week: 1) to make a new friend and 2) to try a new activity.

Naming all the positives helped her stay anchored in her choice to go, even when the fear bubbled up from time to time.

Your Takeaway: if you’re going into something hard, unknown or scary take time to ask yourself a) what would success look like in this scenario? and b) how can I show up and what will I do to bring that vision of success to life?

Remind yourself of what’s on the other side of your fear — what might open up for you if you step outside your comfort zone and do the scary thing. When we’re mired in our fears, it’s hard to remember that they’re usually in service of a bigger life for ourselves.

3. PUT FEAR IN ITS PLACE —

At one point in the weeks leading up to camp, she turned to me and said that she didn’t want to go. Rather than try to convince her otherwise, I looked at her and said, “If you really don’t want to go, that’s ok. Let me know now so we can figure out what’s next.”

Immediately she looked at me and said, “No, no…I do want to go. I’m just scared.”

I already knew this was her truth — she’d been so excited about camp for months — but fear is such a tricky beast that can take over and convince us to stay safe, despite our desires.

And I wanted her to want it for HER…not for me.

We sat down on her bed and I shared with her Elizabeth Gilbert’s analogy of fear from her book, Big Magic.

In it, Gilbert reminds us that fear is always with us vying for our attention and trying desperately to keep us safe in the status quo. And when we take a risk — a new job, a new relationship, a big ask, an adventure — then fear kicks into overdrive in an effort to remind us that what we have is good enough, and risking ourselves isn’t worth it.

The goal isn’t to banish fear entirely — that’s a Sisyphean task that’ll keep us distracted from what matters most.

Instead, our job is to recognize that while fear will always be with us — in the car on any of life’s journeys — we get to decide where it sits.

As Gilbert says…

There is plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decision along the way. I recognize and respect that you are part of the family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still – your suggestions will never be followed. You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You’re not allowed to touch the road maps; you’re not allowed to suggest detours. … But above all else, my dear all familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.

Reminding my kid that it was ok to feel nervous — that according to camp sources, upward of 96% of kids feel homesick — helped normalize the fear as something to be expected rather than a signal that she shouldn’t proceed.

And that she had agency in where fear got to sit in the car (she opted for the trunk).

Your Takeaway: fear isn’t a sign that you’re off course or about to make the wrong decision. It’s simply a protective tool designed to keep you safe. Where it goes wonky is when we give it too much leeway and power — when we let fear ride shotgun because it wants to backseat drive the entire trip.

Whatever you want (or need) to do that’s big, important and helps you grow will sure to have fear following in hot pursuit.

Do it anyway. Make fear work to catch up, and if it does, open the trunk and stuff it inside.

It’s never too late to be what you might have become.

~ George Eliot

I turned 47 in July.

By all likely measures, I’ve lived more than half of my days.

There are days where I look back and wonder why I haven’t done more with my life. I wonder if I’ve missed my window to do some of the things I proclaimed to want way back in my twenties. I question my resolve, my energy, my capacity.

And then I look at my kid who once again chose courage over comfort, and I remember that any day is a good day to be brave.

Just because I haven’t yet, doesn’t mean I can’t.

If you’re curious to know how camp turns out, you can read more in my behind-the-scenes July Leader Review this Sunday (for paid subscribers). Click here to upgrade.

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