The mental load might be killing my ambition

For my high-achieving, do-everything-for-everyone people who constantly question why they aren’t further ahead.

"Emotional labour is the invisible work we do to keep those around us comfortable and happy."

~Jess Zimmerman

Me, Sunday night: Fresh week ahead! Time to dedicate some focused effort toward my writing projects.  

Me, Friday 5pm: Welp. Another week, another best laid plans attempt. Maybe next week...

Over the past week, I’ve:

• taken my kids to soccer nine different times, washed soccer gear four times, texted with parents, call-ups, coaches, our club and the tournament organizers, printed game sheets, stocked the car with supplies and reminded my kids to stretch, drink water and get a good night sleep about 100 times

• bought groceries from three different stores to meet everyone’s preferences, made peanut sauce twice for my daughter’s lunch, taken back the Sun Chips that were recalled by Costco, planned 5 of 7 meals, packed snacks for the tournament

• prepped for my son’s grade 9 graduation by reminding my husband and son that a hoodie and shorts wouldn’t be appropriate attire, and could they please go shopping soon, paid for his grad ticket, ironed his shirt, washed his pants and organized a ride to soccer for my daughter while we attend

• tried multiple times to write my dad’s obituary, emailed with the funeral home, talked to my brother about his memorial plans and corresponded with his friends via email

• talked (sometimes loudly) to my son about the importance of building good study habits and not leaving it all until the last minute, while recognizing how checked out he is with only two weeks of school left

• booked a last minute physio appointment tomorrow for my daughter because her knee is bugging her (again), reminding her to do her stretches and ordering an exercise band off of Amazon

• listened as my husband shared some work stress, helped my husband get ready for his trip to Inuvik

• navigated some 13-year-old girl friendship stuff and the tears that came with it, picked up my son from school early because he didn’t feel well, researched how to get paint out of my daughter’s over-priced lululemon hoodie, monitored their bedtimes because both were tired and cranky, added new lunch boxes to my Amazon cart for September

• booked dentist, hair, vet and other appointments and started considering what needs to happen before we leave for vacation in August

• kept up basic hygiene (note to self: need some summer clothes; go shopping asap)

• served my clients, sent invoices, wrote this newsletter and responded to 8 million emails

• plus all the thinking I’ve done about what’s coming up and what I need to prepare for.

There isn’t anything particularly special about this laundry list of to do’s.

(oh crap, I forgot all the laundry!) 🤦‍♀️

It’s fairly typical of most households, give or take a few details. For those without kids, the load might be a bit lighter, but I can all but guarantee that there are other demands that replace the kid-specific ones I listed above.

This year has certainly been harder than most for me: my dad’s declining health and his recent passing were complexities not on my plate a few years ago. And having two teenagers going through the hell that is middle school doesn’t make things easy most days.

For the most part though, it’s manageable and it’s life.

But as my quiet day at home to write and prep and plan was interrupted by dogs wanting in and out 100 times, a call from the school to pick up my son early after finishing his provincial exams, and an email from the funeral home reminding me to send in my dad’s obituary (the one I’m struggling to write), it struck me that so many of the times I’ve beaten myself up for not having the energy, focus, commitment or discipline to make all my ideas happen, I was just trying to manage an overflowing bucket of invisible labour.

Before I go much further, yes I have an engaged, helpful husband. He contributes in many ways to our household, and he’s kind, thoughtful and doesn’t expect me to handle it all.¹

But he also leaves the house at 6:30am and doesn’t get home until close to 6pm. And he has to travel often for work (he’s currently in Banks Island, NWT, as far north as you can basically go in Canada). And his job is particularly stressful this year.

A lot of invisible labour life gets lived in those 12 hours that he can’t do much about.

And as stereotypical as it may be, and as supportive as he is, I am the first line of defence (and offence) for most of what makes our lives work.²

I do believe that we could do a better job at distributing the household workload. It’s way too easy to slip into relational patterns that go on for years without being checked or changed.

But this post isn’t about how to redistribute the invisible labour or how we’ve come to define ‘women’s work’, nor is it to even acknowledge that it exists. Every single woman reading this knows it exists. Most working parents do too. Single parents certainly do. And hopefully more and more men are catching on.

How we got here is rooted in so many things that are far beyond the control or responsibility of any one person or household. And the solutions won’t ever rest solely at the feet of any one person. It’ll require a collective, complex lift.

Instead, it’s a post about how carrying the heavy mental load might be killing your ambition, the way I sometimes wonder if it’s killing mine.

Understanding the four extra types of labour

While you’ve probably heard the term ‘emotional labour’ or ‘mental load,’ you may not realize that while similar, they each carry with them distinct differences.

1. Emotional Labour

No matter how strong (or weak) they are, all relationships require effort to maintain.

Emotional labour refers to all the energy and effort we give our relationships, both in terms of time and care, but also the emotional management involved (which can be incredibly time-consuming and draining).

How do we keep grandma happy at our family gathering, even when she’s knee-deep in grief after losing her husband of 50 years?

How can we help our 13-year-old navigate the big feelings that coming with trying out for a new sports team that she might not make and her best friend may?

This labour asks us to use our own emotional intelligence to anticipate and address other people’s emotional states, while also doing our best not to get so hooked into things that we lose ourselves.

This is particularly challenging for what my friend Michelle calls over-givers. If you’re someone who derives joy and meaning from giving to others, it can be a slippery slope from giving out of generosity into the kind of emotional labour that leaves you feeling spent and resentful.

2. Second Shift

While likely more pronounced for those with kids or parents/grandparents we care for, many of us experience a second shift before and after our regular work day, that includes everything it takes to run our lives from making lunches, prepping bags, driving to evening activities, homework help, and general house maintenance. Oh, and laundry.

3. Invisible Work

Ask me when the last time anyone in my house said, “We’re out of toilet paper. What am I supposed to do now?!”

I’d tell you never, because we always have toilet paper (even during Covid), and zero people in my house (aside from me) would ever stop to consider that fact.

And yet, that toilet paper doesn’t buy itself, nor does it ever run out.

This is the invisible labour that makes our lives work.

4. Mental Load

“You should have asked.” by French comic, Emma (click to read the entire comic)

And while the mental load³ is similar, it’s more connected to the suite of tasks we’re expected to attend to in order to keep life — and everyone else’s — running smoothly.

“What’s the problem?” you might ask. “Everyone has to do a bunch of things to keep life going, don’t they?”

Of course the answer is yes. If you’re a functioning member of society, you have a million and one things you need to do to engage productively in life.

But what you may not have to do (or what you might have to do in abundance) is anticipate, prepare or create the conditions for those tasks to get done.

As one friend, after I surveyed a number of friends and colleagues about the mental load said…

I dislike being put in a position to also monitor, assign, and then police the tasks (making me continue the work even if/when assigned to others). This policing puts strains on interpersonal relationships inside the family and makes me the bad guy rather than the fun parent. And it still stays on my plate.

In her paper, The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor, Allison Daminger breaks down mental load into four key components:

• anticipate

• identify

• decide

• monitor

In other words, the task itself is usually the simplest part of the equation and the most visible. What isn’t, is all the stuff that comes before…and after.

My kids have the visible task of sitting in the dentist’s chair and getting their teeth cleaned. My husband will take them to this appointment if it works with his work schedule. Check and check.

But here’s what neither my kids nor my husband have to manage, monitor, anticipate or plan for:

• knowing when to book the appointment in the first place

• calling to book and managing the flurry of texts and emails from the dentist’s office trying to ensure we arrive on time

• rescheduling the appointment because something’s come up

• remembering to get up early to have them eat something because one has a cavity and needs the laughing gas to manage the pain, and fasting for three hours is required

• thinking about whether they’re brushing well enough and if an electronic toothbrush might be better, while making a mental note to ask the hygienist which one is best

• finding, resetting and then writing down the Netflix password ahead of time so that the kids can watch a show while their teeth are being cleaned

• making a mental note to check our health spending account to see if we’re dipping low

• having a chat with one kid about the importance of good oral hygiene

• booking the next set of appointments

This is the mental load — often time-consuming, administrative and mental work that needs to happen and that nobody notices when it does.

The drain on our mental energy

If you’re nodding your head noticing frustration bubble up, then I’d guess you’re doing your fair share of these four types of labour.

And I’d bet you’re feeling tired and a wee bit crispy, even if most of the time you tell yourself that it’s no big deal and isn’t it great that your colleagues, boss, spouse, kids and friends all think you’re awesome enough to take care of so much, so effortlessly?

But it all takes energy.

A whole mountain of energy, day after day, month after month, year after year. It’s labour that never really ends, and nobody is on the sidelines handing out gold stars.🌟

I would give you ALL the gold stars if I knew your name and address.

It requires near constant decision-making (what’s for dinner this week?), anticipatory skills (should I have a conversation with a coworker in advance of that meeting to prep her for what’s coming?) and executive functioning at the highest level (ask any parent driving multiple kids, multiple places and different times).

As one friend and a very accomplished colleague shared…

The impact of the mental load is that it’s draining and because it’s invisible, I often feel like I am not pulling my weight at home because I’m exhausted or need time or space for my mind to process while my husband is taking care of visible work. But the story I often hear me tell myself is that I’m lazy, and not doing enough. I should be doing more of the laundry, I should wash the floor more. I should…which I guess is just more of the mental and emotional load. At the end of the day, it’s really draining.

And when that invisible work is getting done — or is stewing upstairs in our brains as ‘worry work’ — there’s not a lot of room for much else, including our ambitions.

Weeks go by and we find ourselves frustrated that we’re not making progress. We watch ourselves spin on the proverbial hamster wheel, caught in important and urgent work that by all accounts matters, but isn’t what matters most.

We resort to the self-directed pep talk. We remind ourselves that by all accounts, we’ve built our careers on our ability to get things done and achieve all.the.things. We are high-performing, hard-working people, goddammit.

This shouldn’t be a problem. Why is this a problem?!

We tell ourselves, “Maybe next week I’ll get to it, when things at home ease up a bit.” Or we promise ourselves that we’ll put in 30 minutes toward our ambitions after the kids get to bed or the dogs have been walked, only to find ourselves zonked out on the couch by 9pm.

It comes as no surprise to me that the conversations I have with clients regularly centre around these three things:

• I’m feeling depleted and on the edge of burnout. I’m not sure I’ve got it in me to work like I’ve been working. I’m tired, I’m frustrated and I’m not sure it’s worth it. Is it worth it? I don’t know anymore.

• I’m re-evaluating everything. I want to keep making an impact, but I’m not sure it’s directed in the right place. I feel like I’ve been hustling hard for everyone’s agenda but my own. I’m watching the time pass faster than it ever has, and I’m wondering if I still have time and energy to go after the pursuits I once thought were an inevitability.

• I feel like I need to redefine what matters to me. I’ve been going through the motions, doing the things I thought I should, advancing as quickly as I could, and pursuing whatever I could to get ahead. But now? I don’t know if that’s what I still want. There are things that matter to me that I thought I’d get to that I haven’t yet.

This endless cycle of questioning…wanting…trying…struggling…snails-pace-progress can feel exhausting and leave us wondering, “What is it all for?”

Ambition takes a backseat

In their paper for Boston Consulting Group, Lightening the mental load that holds women back⁴, the authors highlight that companies wanting to keep women in the leadership pipeline need to acknowledge and support that extra load that most women carry outside the office.

If you ask working women with families why they step off the leadership track, it’s often not just because of what happens at the office. Rather, it’s because of the combined effect of their daytime job together with their second job of managing the incessant responsibilities of household and family care: what needs to be done, who needs to be where, how to make it all happen at once.

This home management load is constant, under-recognized, unpaid—and it falls disproportionately on women, limiting their ability to focus on their careers and rise into leadership roles.

For as many moments throughout my week that remind me of my big dreams and high aspirations, there are equally as many interruptions that pull me away from them.

Sometimes the interruptions compromise my time: that two hour window I thought I had to write changes in an instant when the impending spring thunderstorm means an early soccer pick up.

But often, the interruptions compromise my energy. The weight — the mental load — of carrying it all, holding space for everyone and everything, AND doing the work become simply too much. And like they say, “Something’s gotta give.”

Guess what gives.

And I know I’m not alone.

As another colleague shared…

My aspirations and goals have always been considered alongside family expectations. Family too busy? Zero ability to focus on tasks and goals — even if I found the time, I am too exhausted, discouraged and drowning in domestic to put forth my best efforts. The ebbs and flows of any personal success are tethered to my success as a parent and wife, driving the success for every other family member. Only when everyone is succeeding can my own success be considered. And, by then, sometimes I am even too tired to chase my own dreams.

A recent conversation with a client who is a c-suite level executive — ambitious, smart, driven, hard-working — with a thoughtful, kind and equally hard-working husband — reminded me that the mental load doesn’t discriminate based on title, salary or status.

She’s reached a senior level, has administrative support at work and access to resources, yet she still wonders if she’d be pursuing more or playing bigger if she had more margin in her days to even consider what that could look like.

It’s a niggling thought that festers away at the back of her brain while she meets everyone else’s demands. And it won’t go away.

Take a wild guess who she holds responsible for her inability to do it all…that’s right, herself.

After years and years working with clients who bemoan not having the time they’d like to do the deep work that drives longer-term results or advances their goals, it dawned on me that perhaps it wasn’t entirely a time management or a personal discipline issue, but perhaps also an invisible labour one (if at least partially).

Because let’s face it — when you’re knee deep in managing the emotional ups and downs of life, or on the cusp of burnout — it’s hard to rally yourself to put your bum in the chair and summon the energy to advance your ambitions.

Another friend shared…

Part of what I’m feeling now with two teens in high school is an awareness that when the day comes that I’m less needed for the day-to-day mom stuff, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself! It sounds like an odd concern…but I do legitimately worry that having had so little time for so many years to focus on myself, I don’t feel I know well how to do that anymore.

It’s easy and understandable that our ambitions take a backseat, but it’s also a really shitty trade off.

How to keep our ambitions in motion

If you’ve read this far, I’m guessing two things:

1. You deeply relate and struggle to figure out a better way

2. You’re not content letting your ambitions lapse from life’s endless load

I don’t want that you…or for me, either. Because while I’m open to adapting and getting creative, I’m not willing to just throw in towel completely.

The good news — and yes there is some — is that there are ways, even inside a system that’s not always set up for our success, for our ambitions to continue to bloom, even as our plates are fulls, the balls keep coming and our minds are swirling.

Note: it’s worth saying, in case you need to hear this, that it’s also ok to put your ambitions on the slow-growth plan if this season simply does not allow for anything more (though make sure that’s true, and not just a reflection of you carrying it ALL). 

I won’t pretend to have all the answers.

I’m still figuring this out for myself. And as I’ve already stated, this isn’t just an ‘us’ problem — it’s a ‘we’ problem that also requires a collective response.

But that doesn’t mean we have to resign ourselves to a life less ambitious or that we have no personal agency to shift our household dynamics to allow for our own pursuits.

Here are a few strategies we’d all benefit from exercising more often.

Fight for your ambitions

Yes, I said fight.

Because when it comes to your highest aspirations and ambitions, being the good girl (or guy) isn’t going to get the job done.

Do I wish everyone cared so deeply about your ambitions that they moved heaven and earth to make them happen for you? Yes.

Do I believe that’s what’s actually going to happen? No. Because everyone else is too busy worried about their own ambitions to notice if yours aren’t being fulfilled.

So fight for them.

Not in a put up your dukes kinda way, but in a “this matters to me” enough to not let life (and other people’s priorities) railroad right over them.

And then fight for them by keeping the inspiration alive, by taking small steps most days, by telling other people about your dreams, by losing the guilt that comes with saying no, by scheduling non-negotiable time to advance them, by being ruthless with anything extraneous, and by asking for what you need, as often and as loudly as you need to until people get it.

Tell yourself your ambitions matter.
Give yourself permission to pursue them unapologetically.
Never tell yourself that other people’s ambitions matter more than yours.

In her book, Fair Play, author Eve Rodsky offers four rules for fair play. The second rule, Reclaim Your Right to be Interesting, reminds us that we have some personal agency and choice here.

“We need to hold ourselves accountable for whatever voluntary steps we took toward losing sight of our right to be interesting and turn on our heels and find ourselves again.”

Yes it can be ridiculously hard to carve out extra space and time to pursue things on top of the daily demands, but if you want it badly enough, sometimes we just have to find a way to start.

Your ambitions matter.

Leverage constraints

When I had a 3-month-old and a 20-month-old, my mom used to come in two days a week for about four-to-five hours to watch the kids while I crammed in as much work as I could.

And while I felt exhausted and pulled in a million directions, it also was a notably productive period for me (though admittedly, not sustainable long term).

Knowing the hard limits around my time forced me to do the work instead of (over) thinking, (over) planning or getting distracted by less important activities.

Instead of viewing constraints as limitations, leverage them as catalysts for creativity and innovation. Rather than bemoaning the fact that you don’t have a full day to work on that big project, use those handful of minutes to advance what matters most.

Embrace constraints such as time, resources, or external obligations as opportunities to think outside the box and find novel solutions to propel your ambitions forward.

Constraints force you to prioritize and focus on what truly matters, sparking ingenuity and resourcefulness.

By re-framing constraints as allies rather than obstacles, you can unleash your creativity and make significant strides towards your goals even in the face of adversity.

Good enough has to be good enough

I know you care deeply about doing great work. I know your ambitions have been marinating in your head and heart for months, maybe even years, and that realizing them feels like high stakes business.

Mine do too.

But when life enters like a lion, not a lamb, it’s time to take greatness off the table and to get ok with good enough.

I can hear you recoil as I write these words.

“Good enough is good enough?” you say. “What kind of monster are you, Steph?”

I’m the kind of monster that wants you to make actual forward movement on what matters most to you, rather than tucking them way in your pocket, hoping for the perfect moment to take them out, covered in lint, and bring them to life.

Because that perfect moment isn’t coming, and your perfect outcome isn’t either.

Good enough means you stop waiting and you start working, now. Even if conditions aren’t right, and even if you can’t do it at your typical 100%.

Pace yourself accordingly

If you’ve read this far, it’s a fair guess that you’re somewhere in the middle of your career at minimum, with years of experience behind you and lots of life lived.

And chances are good, you’ve enjoyed gloriously ambitious and productive years where the world really did feel full of possibilities and you went after your goals with a ferocity that would inspire even the couchiest of potatoes.

But here you might be, somewhere in the middle(ish) of your career, looking back and wondering why you can’t summon the same energy and drive you once did.

So let me remind you (and me)…

You’re not 25 anymore.

I know, I know. You still feel 25 (except when you get out of bed in the morning and your joints crack and your eyes take longer to adjust to the light).

But you’re not. And that’s ok.

My version of ambition at 25 was something to behold. I had big dreams and the energy to match. I worked, I volunteered, I hustled, I networked and I got things done.

As I look back on that time, over 20 years ago, I hold two things as simultaneously true: pure awe at all I accomplished, and pure exhaustion at how hard I pushed myself to make it happen.

Now? I couldn’t if I tried…and I wouldn’t want to even if I could.

My version of ambition is still unfolding, but it no longer includes the relentless pursuit of a goal at breakneck speed, nor does it require that I sacrifice myself on the altar of its achievement.

We can pursue our ambitions and pace ourselves accordingly.

As another friend I surveyed said…

I’m more conscious about not taking on too much. Working fewer hours, spending more time during the day on family stuff and letting go of guilt.

While I think it’s cost me some career advancement for sure, I’ve come to accept that. I don’t believe we can raise two kids and have it all on the work front at the same time, so I’ve made the compromise. And I’m ok with it now…and frankly, I’m just more and more tired cognitively and physically so something had to give.

Now I’m trying to focus more on slowing my pace so I can handle the mental load…saying no more. Not taking on too much. Fitting in rest breaks during my day. Getting to bed earlier. Getting exercise and taking walks. Whatever I can to lighten the load.

Recognize that life is going to life

One of my clients is a successful executive with a busy, demanding and influential job. She also has three young kids, and an equally successful husband. And board work. And an extended family.

And…and…and…

She also has longer-term ambitions beyond her current career status — the kind of ambitions that require forethought, planning and continual (even if small) movement. She’s acutely aware that she won’t just wake up one day and find that they’ve all come to fruition while she was busy raising a family and building her career.

To support her ambitions, we’ve created a Personal Profile Plan (what we’re calling it) to help her advance at a pace that works for her life, but stretches her enough that she sees progress.

It’s well below what she would do if she had more time and capacity, but it’s far more than she’d make happen otherwise. Right now we’re on a quarterly plan — if she can advance something once per quarter toward her ambitions — that’s a win.

Life is going to life, and that’s not a good enough reason to throw in the towel on your plans.

Write your ambitions down, list out the steps you need to take to start (or keep) the ball rolling and then create a plan to make them happen.

And get support along the way. You don’t have to do it alone.

Speaking of which…

Ask someone else to fold the fucking laundry

Two things happen when you’re always the one to fold the laundry:

1. You become the one who always folds the laundry because every time someone else offers (or when you could ask for help), you choose to do it instead

2. Over time, nobody offers to fold the laundry because you’ve made it known that YOU are the one to fold the laundry, even if you resent being the one to fold the laundry

I’m feeling the tension as I write this. And yes, I fold the laundry.

Because I know that there are a million and one things I do that my husband and kids don’t even realize or recognize (there’s always toilet paper and Siracha). Sometimes this annoys me. I get tired of being the one to lie in bed at night thinking about the latest soccer team drama or that I absolutely HAVE to remember to order yearbooks before Friday (this is an actual example this week).

“Why is it always me?” I sometimes whisper to myself. I get frustrated that they don’t just know or ask or think of these things too. And I do think that frustration is justified, and that it shouldn’t also be my emotional labour to figure out the challenges of the emotional labour. 😑

But I also know that I’ve contributed more than my fair share to setting it up this way.

Blame my need for control, long-held gender role conditioning, my genuine enjoyment of planning and organizing things, the sense of self-induced obligation because I work from home, and being the one to raise my hand for the extra roles (team manger, parent council etc).

I don’t make it easy for anyone else to do fold the #@&$*! laundry.

And my ambitions have suffered for it.

The mental load we carry as individuals, particularly in roles that demand constant multitasking and emotional labour, can feel overwhelming.

It's no wonder that our ambitions often take a backseat amidst the chaos of daily life. Yet, recognizing the invisible labour we undertake is the first step toward reclaiming our dreams and aspirations.

If you, like me, pride yourself on being the ‘on it, go-to’ person, as I suspect you are considering you’re reading a newsletter about gold-star chasing, then it’s worth asking yourself what this identity is costing you and keeping you from.

It's important to remember that while we may not have control over every aspect of our lives, we do have the power to make choices that prioritize our well-being and ambitions. By leveraging constraints, embracing "good enough," and fighting for our dreams, we can create space for our ambitions to thrive.

Our ambitions matter, not just for ourselves, but for the example we set for those around us. By finding creative ways and building stronger boundaries between the demands of life and our personal goals, we can ensure that our dreams do not become casualties of busyness.

As for me? I’m off to Costco to get some…wait for it…toilet paper and but then to the library to write my next essay.

Folding the #@&$*! laundry can wait.

1. One of the most challenging parts of these four types of labour is how invisible they are. Many of my friends have great husbands like mine, AND, they still remain the ones doing the bulk of this work. Many reasons why, but one must surely reflect most men’s ‘don’t know what you don’t know’ reality. It’s not that they won’t help, it’s that they have no sense of the workload to begin with.

2. I’m not alone here. Much has been written about how women bear the brunt of household management regardless of their work status.

3. Last night, as I caught up with my mom (born in ‘51), she was sharing something that very clearly fit in the mental load category. I mentioned it, and she had never heard of the term, though within minutes of explaining it, she laughed, recognizing how apt a label it was. But there was no term…no acknowledgement of this work when my mom was my age. It was a given and expected.

4. Lightening the mental load that holds women back (PDF paper) by Jennifer Garcia-Alonso, Matt Krentz, Deborah Lovich, Stuart Quickenden, and Frances Brooks Taplett